Just living now …
When I think of other things to do, or attempt to do other things, it just doesn’t work out for me.
I learned I should be doing what I want and that it should be unique to me. I learned to find people who I can work with.
Trying to work out there with everyone is just a headache. I will just work with my good positive friends.
Trying to work with everyone is impossible to maintain and a waste of time as I know it is based on a hierarchy that may exclude me. Also as I get older I need to specialize and not try to be ‘all knowing’. I know enough about this ‘duality problem’ and my time with it is done. I will just coast …
I developed my brain to do abstraction, logic and problem solving. I love abstraction.
By keeping the brain active and doing things that are humanistic is all I need.
There is so much to learn. Everyone has a particular skill set that is unique and beneficial. All you have to do is do what you like.
I will just live this way.
Point/End Story
I lost everything else and abstraction is all I have now.
Everything else I did so far I met walls. I can not scale the wall but I understand the wall. Abstraction is the key.
I like abstraction. I will just focus on abstraction, not math but abstraction. It is something there but not.
Keep Busy
By doing stuff, I reached a point in my life that I realized I should just keep busy. Keep very, very busy.
Keeping busy is something I learned that I must do to keep happy and well. I do not have time to think negatively or think of things that are out of my control when I am kept very busy.
Computers keeps me busy. It is pretty fun ‘work’. It is the most fun ‘work’ I had without having to leave home.
Also I learned to always keep connected to family and friends.
Maturity
I think I watched a Tom Bilyeu short clip interview on Instagram.
One guest said he was worried about how much time he had left in this world to accomplish things he wanted.
In the beginning of his journey, the guest was scared of the hard work studying to gain the skills necessary to do what he wanted. He was reluctant to learn because of the difficulty and now he is worried about his time left on this planet.
I believed I grew up a lot during the past year and a half.
During this pandemic, I went back to school to do my last passion: programming and I am almost done.
I got the chance to disconnect and retreat in my room to program away everyday.
I found things to do that I wanted to do. I found tons of things to do.
How do I want to leave my mark as an old man now? Who does it involve? What does it involve?
Sense of Self
I am trained and conditioned to do what I am doing. I had no choice but to do it. There is no real freewill.
It’s nothing special. You need to do something different to satisfy yourself.
I am old and have done enough to understand life now. I used to copy other people’s ideas and make them better, but after a while, you mature and create your own unique things. It’s a natural process of growing up to be unique and different. It is not better or worse. Nothing to compare at this point.
In some work areas, you can find things to do. You can try to find solutions to open problems. It only works if you have 150% passion and interest in the field.
You may need a mentor or help to develop your solution but both of you must be 150% interested in the goal and the journey.
Do you remember when you were a child and your kind-hearted teachers told you that it’s who you are inside that counts? Develop a good character inside?
My mom tries to teach me to just think and separate myself from my body. But the only field where I can do this is in computer programming. In computer programming, you don’t think about the physical world at all.
Self-Expression
I was browsing LinkedIn and came upon this article: https://www.sony.com/en/SonyInfo/blog/2021/12/16/?s_tc=blog_link_en_21-1216
This article talks about self-expression. I never really thought about this.
What do I want to say? What do I want to project?
Is it concrete? Does it change over time? Is it me? Is it only about me?
I will think about this more in a bit. I will write a sentence or two …
UPDATE on Self-Expression
To express myself is different from wanting to have fun I think. I truly enjoy doing what I want with my friends (Ben Cybulski and Dmitry Nefedov). There is fun, friendship and partnership in doing something we all like to do.
Rewarding
Everyone has issues.
Big or small, everyone is trying to achieve something or get something.
I was watching a Jeff Bezos interview talking about gifts and earned skill.
He said you should be doing something that you earned. Learn a new skill?
He said gifts are given to you and not earned. Do not use your gifts?
I always wanted to learn programming since I was in grade 7 at 12 years old.
Now I am 37 years old and almost finished “college-level” computer programming diploma.
I had to earn this skill and it was challenging and worthwhile.
I wonder if I can go on and actually do it though. LOL 🙂
Found my role model
Reality sucks. I will talk about this later …
Anyways during my final semester at Durham College, I met my role model who is a teacher here.
It took me 37 years to find this person who is similar to me.
Anyways, I learned just to do whatever you want and then you will find people just like you one day.
When I say reality sucks, I mean that the general world view is just bad for people who look like me. I concentrated on the things I like and finally found people I can work like.
No need to involve culture, race, politics and religion that much. It does matter, but I avoid it as much as I can. It is accounted for in my life but this is the best I can do in this negative circumstance.
Childhood dreams
I am old.
I have worked a lot. I don’t like being a pawn working for others …
Is money important? Not at my age …
The very Canadian Western thing to do is to do what you want in life and not for money and is not dependent on your partner’s wishes.
Everyone is unique and should do what excites them without thinking about anyone else’s opinion. Not including family and not including “friends”. You should just do things for yourself. I learned this after my troubles.
I did things the past few years and nothing made me happy. I was pleasing others and not pleasing myself.
The reality is that you should be living out your “childhood dreams” however crazy they might be but within reality. Do not just grow up and get old to just work for the sake of working being just another spoke in the wheel.
I finally learned this.
End of the Run
I am talking to a UofT at Scarborough Economics student from Vietnam. He is asking about me.
He is asking great questions. He is looking at me through his eyes as a Vietnamese from competitive Ho Chi Minh city.
He is making me think about what I have done.
I have accomplished things that I wanted.
I only develop things that I want.
I am not motivated by money.
But I would like my own money to enjoy and grow and experience more things.
I think I have done enough and need a life of my own now. I will work for money now.
I applied to become a high school teacher. Hopefully that works out.
My Birth and What Doctors’ Say
According to doctors, what your mother thinks when you are a fetus in her belly determines ‘the baby’.
I really thought I had control over my life in work and hobbies but it is not true now that I think of it. I just like sitting in front of my computer all day.
My mother thought I would be a computer person. In the early 80’s dad bought a TV and she watched computer news. She watched Microsoft and Bill Gates. During the pregnancy things were pretty OK.
Now I just develop Microsoft Windows utilities all day and do some tech journalism, art and tutor/teach.
I am actually anti-social but I can talk a bit. My current dialogue topics for my age are lacking because I spent the last 14 years in front of the computer learning computers to grow.
I finally understand myself because of the environment I was made in which also is very Vietnamese, my mother’s way.
How to Think and Grow as a Colored Person
You have to think higher and higher to reach full abstraction … but also do what you like.
Are you really the person people think?
If you are not doing full abstraction as a colored person then you are living wrong.
Life After
Again, it took me many years to finish school and get the experiences I needed in work and life.
After finishing school I feel like I am “living”.
This type of “living” is surreal. I don’t think about the small things that used to bother me no more.
I realized my design philosophy.
Once I understood my design philosophy then I understood how I like to live.
I want to live a peaceful life with no stress.
A life where I create what I want.
I design software from very simplistic (0%) to all-you-can-eat (100% with almost unlimited combinations of options).
The simplicity to the unlimited gives me the peace and escape I need.
Nothing is Fixed
As you get older, you are supposed to live in a buffer, some kind of expanse so you feel fluid and free with no hardline definition that will hard stop you.
When I was working as a sales associate and computer technician there was stereotypes and judgements daily. Working in front of people, people seem to put you in a box. Like people need to categorize and maybe even setup a line of command …
Working alone, you get the opportunity to think more for yourself and create things that make you individually happy and fulfilled. You are allowed to travel and explore without someone helping you decide.
Order what you like and somewhat indulge.
Hobbies …
I understand what is a “hobby” now.
People
The people I surround myself with made me.
For years I thought it was all independent work mostly that made “a life”. But no, I need people like Ben Cybulski and Dmitry Nefedov and my brother William (Duy) Nguyen.
It is funny how life goes now. For me I thought about just working generally like going back repairing computers or selling cell phones. That turned out exhausting me and creating problems for me.
I just surround myself with positive people and keep going …
Youth
We are young only briefly on this planet.
I realize at my age now that there is MORE depth and MORE different cultures/viewpoints at an older age. There are more experiences that I need and want to see as I get more older.
I think I have done what I wanted so far so now there is more as a older adult.
I realize now after doing what I want that life is a continuing growth journey. There are no stops.
Trance
There are no stops in life. You keep going. You keep getting older.
I realized I was always looking for more to life.
Getting old sucks generally. Your back hurts, food is not appealing no more, you get white hairs and wrinkles. The list goes on.
I kept at doing what I wanted and experiencing new things. I finally understand the feeling I want.
I want to live in a trance like state where there is an abundance of options and choices so I feel satisfied and up.
Is life just practical? Are we just working for the dollar? Do we just accept getting old and tired?
When I go look for more and do computer programming, I get the feeling of being in a trance like state.
I understand my peace now.
I act this way to fight getting old and to basically “live” in the environment I am in.
Finding Your Flow
Working outside is OK … but …
I just have to act like myself and find people to collaborate with.
I think I understand how I function and what I want. I just need cooperation.
Next step is to do more …
Doing What Matters
If you had all the free time in the world, what would you do?
I am not done with school yet … will I ever be?
I did some volunteering in a field that I want to do …
But if you aren’t finished school and you don’t want to volunteer any more what would you do?
Live in your head? Doing the things that matter to you?
I like to think I am a unique individual and not work to feel like a number.
I would like to do things that make me happy.
Working outside with the general public, can I truly do what I want?
In Your Head
In the end, do we just live in our heads?
It sure looks like it now.
Staying busy. Staying in the present. Staying in my head.
I am making a life to stay in my head.
It is safe to do this. Safest way as person like me.
Clearer Life Philosophy
Thinking independently: Transcendence through growth and development of software that is built however you want (that represents you) but is still structured.
Now What?
I am doing some stuff.
I am trying to add.
I came to this conclusion after doing things I wanted.
You have to keep moving forward in education and in life. You can not settle on staying in one spot thinking that it is OK.
David (Phong) Tan Nguyen
I did things that I wanted.
But now I am stagnating and waddling around.
I am not getting any younger.
I am at the age where there is no waiting around no more. There is no just doing what you want. You must move forward all the time and not settle.
Screw classism, racism and boxed in ideas of who you are supposed to be. We are old now. I am old now.
I can not stand around waiting to get old and wither away.
Keep moving. Anyone who says ‘No’ has put up walls.
@#$! them. What else is there in life?
Processing
You are supposed to not care and trust the process.
I accomplished my goals and now I need things to do.
It is now a process to work with my more positive friends to think positive and keep busy.
Keep processing.
Now is the time to keep processing and processing forever???
Ideas
To avoid the everyday life trap, you are supposed to think in “ideas”.
No longer are you thinking about classism, racism, and other biased ideologies.
Purpose of Life
I am lucky to live in Canada. When I was young I was curious to understand the meaning of life.
I thought life was supposed to be fun. All I heard everywhere was that life was all about suffering.
I still thought the meaning of life was supposed to be fun even after all these years.
Now I realize my I was right, I define life my way. Now my definition of life is this:
Life is to create something new and fun. And keep pushing to create new and fun things. That is all. Once you understand what is basic and normal, then you go for the fun.
David (Phong) Tan Nguyen
I am lucky to live here in Canada to pursue this I think.
More Maturity?
I thought I was ready to go to the next step but realized I need to do more to get that certain job.
Anyways I realized that in life I need to become more mature and this type of maturity requires motivation.
One day I was browsing Instagram and saw this: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CjF8GaXJQO8/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
I need to keep going. The greatest motivating factor to keep going is progress.
It is great that I work with my friends but as an individual I must work on myself.
Growth
I am being really more mindful of what I have. There shouldn’t be any worries really.
I should just continue to do what I do and not think too much. I should stay being me.
I do have a personality that is me. Can I change? Do you really change?
Life is multilayered now for me. I am wiser now with different core values that I have earned now.
As a mature man, it is mostly about your productivity???
I will expand on this soon …
Life Goes On
What makes you feel important and valued?
What excites your soul?
Can you really everyday do what you want that ignites your entire being?
I studied and explored for the last 38 years to find what makes me tick. Keep ticking I guess.
If you don’t do what makes you tick, how else will you function?
Critical Thinking
As I have gotten older and done things, I now realize I wasn’t thinking critical enough for myself.
We can live day-to-day, but we all need to take care of ourselves from sickness, old age and have financial freedom.
I need to think more critical and evaluate my values and position.
To do the things I do I have to think for myself and be critical. I have to challenge everything.
I want to teach others to critically think like me to stay healthy, motivated and far reaching. You must try out everything whichever way to see and set the limits of everything to understand life and grow.
How else am I supposed to live? It doesn’t make sense to give so so much when I don’t receive back to grow and nurture myself and my well being.
It has to include me too.
I need to take care of myself first.
Halfway Point
I think I got old enough now to realize there is no turning back.
I spent most of life just exploring things of interest and opening my mind up.
Life got to the point where I wasn’t feeling good no more just living this way in an endless loop.
Luckily, I was able to do the things I wanted for the most part and it grew and matured me in ways that I could have not grew alone doing a 9-to-5 or working for the dollar.
Every man has to do his interests or otherwise he will end up unsatisfied and lifeless. It has to be productive and reflects him.
Where I am now and How I got here
Things I did/happen to get to this realization that there is no turning back and the time is just to grow and grow:
- Had childhood interests that I liked to explore (1) Computers (2) Art (3) Programming
- Explored the world more by studying other things and working different jobs
- Worked in my first interest: Computers as a computer technician
- Found friends in my field who had bigger goals than me that they shared with me
- Helped a lot of people by creating free software with my friends
- Kept developing software and updating them to get experience and build strength, skills and confidence
- Enjoyed and relaxed doing this new software development role. Reflected a lot in this position over the years
- Got to the realization that this field is good for my mind, body and spirit to grow and mature from as a man
- The positives of becoming some type of “engineer” made me feel and understand new things I never felt before. No longer was I just memorizing stuff and “feeling”. I was actually creating stuff that felt good and was useful without the emotional baggage attached. I was no longer dealing directly with myself and people as that is just a circle of abuse. Cyclic loop of “feeding” a “endless drain” that was getting bigger and bigger. I was actually creating stuff from my heart and soul for people and I was growing bigger and bigger and more distant from me and abstractly.
- Focused on myself
- Realized focusing on yourself is a need that I truly needed
- Got old and realize I am not getting any younger and must continue to grow individually thinking critical to be able to do things. Push and test everything to learn and grow constantly
- Need to keep maturing and learning and growing in order to feel healthy and well. The sky is the limit
- In order to do the things I want I need to forget people and everything and think in ideas to constantly grow for myself creating things for people. “Forget to do”
- Don’t challenge, just accept and observe then act on the knowledge received and gathered
- Forget how I get treated badly and just focus on nurturing myself. I can only care for myself. The only person that cares for me 200% is myself. I am the only one that can feed my soul
- Make big goals in life that matter only to me that are bigger than myself
Being Lost
Why am I doing the things I am doing??? I do whatever I want to voice my concerns and voice inside me in this world.
I am not boxed in or confined by stereotypes. As we get older we lose our old ways of thought of classification and stereotypes and want to live more free among mature free thinkers.
I saw an Instagram Reel that helped me navigate my life at my age:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CmMbPJWJvwv/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
For myself, I need all three (education, execution and consistency). But I think but more consistency.
I am getting to a point in my life where I need to keep a routine now to keep content and healthy.
Learn How to be Alone
People who can be alone and be content is incredible to me. They look entirely self contained.
But no one is that alone are they?
In life all you need are a few friends that support you I think???
I am looking for new people to work with.
The yearning to do more and reach out is always there???
Helping Yourself
Just for a few days, I was working on creating more features for the FreeTimeTech.com Windows 10 Debloater in my vision.
I tried to add:
- Progress bar
- List counter of finished commands after running output
- List counter of commands for summary
I was so happy and ecstatic doing it. I was doing what I truly liked.
If gave me a huge life force that can not be compared to any other activity.
I will try to do things that matter to me more now that will give me life and health and all good things.
I hope everyone has the chance to seek and do what makes them feel alive.
One Way
One way I lived life was just doing one thing and accepting the fate of life and circumstance. I was expecting to get older and older with increasing health problems and wither away.
I did this for a while and realized that was not good. I had to do something to stay strong and healthy and content.
I watched this interview with Ethan Hawke : https://youtu.be/gNnbnCHCzxE?t=64
He wanted growth and success and money.
He thought life would be easier as an adult but it wasn’t. It is kind of unexpected with successes and failures and problems along the way. It is a struggle which is good. We learn and grow from our struggles.
Almost Random
Things can be this way or that way. People are here and people are there. Everyone is at a different frequency and place in life. It is like everything is almost random.
As I was trying to mind my own business and also work with everyone I walked through life a lot, I realized “you can do what you want”.
I am an insignificant thing. You can ignore everything and live quietly in peace.
I did the leap of faith. I tried to do more in life and realized this.
By me trying to reach the limits I understood that you can pace around or accelerate.
Once you have accelerated so fast and far out there everything looks almost random.
The motivation is not there no more as you are looking deep within yourself for answers to life’s basic questions.
What am I doing (developing) this for?
When you are trying to develop the best user experience (ease of use and accessibility) software, it is endless, subjective and objective. It can go to infinity in the number of solutions ongoing till when?
I got to the point that I realize I am always learning and growing now. I am not sitting in one spot no more. The time is now to move.
Working with friends, the daily interactions adds up. But the daily interactions are random it seems when working with my adult friends. Life has become almost random currently in my life, especially when working with my friends. It is the people you surround yourself with that this type of random life occurs, around mature independent adults.
Messy
In life are we supposed to live according to what society expects of us generally?
I got to the age where I stop caring because of what society expects what I should do as it has wrecked havoc on my health and growth.
Deep down inside me I am old because I have experienced enough to understand that life is to do what you want solely for your health and growth to thrive.
But there is also the expectation that you grow old gracefully and become wise …
I am not young no more to worry about the superficial stuff.
There is so much out there, it is messy. Can not expect things to be 100% polarized and defined and let that define you.
Fake it?
There is always learning and growth to be had. In this case, more self-control and more independence and more maturity. Life is about maturity which is self-growth into being someone with his own drives, opinion and views. Everyone views and opinion matters but I must hold onto my core individuality and beliefs regardless what anyone says or does.
In my last course in school, the environment isn’t so great right now. I know who I can work with and those I can not. I know who I can vibe with naturally that helps me be me and grows me. I am mature but not in a mature environment …
I will try to finish without bothering anyone. I know myself and do not think I need anyone telling me what to think or do.
I saw this reel discussing how to act when circumstances are not good: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoLOAmMAxHh/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Fake being happy till you make it. Put on a happy face when times are tough. Happiness right now for me is an act in my current circumstances.
I will try to find people on campus that I can vibe with now. Going to class and going straight home ain’t doing any good while I am stuck in school for the next 3 months.
After … Now in the World
Growth is the key to fulfillment: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cozsy8UrEm1/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
You have to believe anything is possible: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Coan4fps2QA/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
After doing what I want in life, the journey doesn’t stop.
We live in our “mind” … stay witness and do not get involved. Don’t become a traffic policeman: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoqJ3csAuQf/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
In life you have to find an activity to disappear to that you can do until you die. It is simple like that. It is kind of dark and kind of fulfilling. It should not involve people because you won’t have energy needed for yourself. You need energy to heal and grow. You must love yourself and care for yourself.
Change?
In life you don’t really change. You can meet people from here or there but who you are doesn’t really change at your core from your experiences. Things can get worse if you deal with the wrong people and do bad actions.
I am finally meeting people in-person after March 2020 COVID pandemic and realize the people who try to change you are the people who are “social” people.
I was born and raised with the mindset to be independent and a self-thinker like my parents.
Solo work and working with 150% compatible friends with shared goals is all I need I think.
There should be no room for back-and-forth when I feel I kind of know what I am doing and what projects I want to do.
I want to only deal with positive people with shared fun goals. Time is short.
Live for yourself to care for yourself as time is short. There is a lot for me to fix and grow in my life.
The physical in-person world is non-existent. Everything must be online and abstract to stay healthy, relaxed and safe.
Life at this Point in Time
You can work with people day-to-day and expect the day-to-day. Get treated day-to-day …
I live in Canada. I am a Canadian born citizen. I am so lucky to do what I want under my own terms and conditions.
I can decide who to play and work with.
It took me a long time to realize that life is random at my age. Everyone is at a different spot in life. Everyone is doing their own thing.
Working in-person you tend to want to label and categorize and find where you fit among the crowd.
But as an old man now, life is in the clouds. Your mind doesn’t rest on the floor.
I don’t feel great trying at my age to just socialize. I have found greater meaning in my passions.
Only older mature people understand that.
I have my own group of friends wanting to do this and that. Is there any room to touchdown now at my age?
Discipline will set you free
Maybe it is the discipline of working really hard that keeps you healthy and living long like the Japanese do?
But I have my personality and need a creative outlet and to be myself.
I guess you need to work harder for yourself by yourself. Not in the “system” that prevents you from growing.
Discipline will set you free.
Peace
If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive.
PAULO COELHO
After so many problems in life, this quote rings loud and clear.
It is all Internal
No one really cares. Life is too random outside. You can not really integrate all from what is outside internally.
Once you spent enough time outside after accomplishing school and your goals, you realize everyone is too busy attending to their own goals to worry about you.
There is no connection really between people and yourself. Everyone is trying to fulfill their goals that are now external when they get older. External goals are goals that are universal and larger than themselves.
So just do what you want in the comfort of your own personal space.
As I have grown older, I am spending more time alone. I am spending time alone to focus on myself on attaining personal goals and growing to become deeper and more fulfilled.
This is what happens when you get older. Simple socialization and the everyday is now old past routine.
Also you try to find answers to see what is more true.
What you belief now can change in a year or two. Larger truths, larger universal truths.
We are all seeking answers and better answers and solutions.
Finally Old
I am finally old … There is no turning back.
I am done school basically now. I am finally out. It took my 25 years to learning my programming.
I got old. I am basically 40 years old now in Vietnamese years and 39 in Canadian years.
There is nothing at this point except for keeping busy. Just filling up your head.
You can not turn back time and can not think like a young man no more.
Just keeping busy. You no longer think about this or that. It does not depend on who, what or where now. You are not trying to impress yourself or anyone now.
Keeping busy to move on. Keep busy to stay afloat.
Even after finishing my diploma in computer programming, it feels done but also endless at the same time. I don’t have a 4-year degree in computers, just a 2-year diploma.
I guess that is life. Keep working and learning.