Just living now …

When I think of other things to do, or attempt to do other things, it just doesn’t work out for me.

I learned I should be doing what I want and that it should be unique to me. I learned to find people who I can work with. 

Trying to work out there with everyone is just a headache. I will just work with my good positive friends.

Trying to work with everyone is impossible to maintain and a waste of time as I know it is based on a hierarchy that may exclude me. Also as I get older I need to specialize and not try to be ‘all knowing’. I know enough about this ‘duality problem’ and my time with it is done. I will just coast …

I developed my brain to do abstraction, logic and problem solving. I love abstraction.

By keeping the brain active and doing things that are humanistic is all I need.

There is so much to learn. Everyone has a particular skill set that is unique and beneficial. All you have to do is do what you like.

I will just live this way.

Point/End Story

I lost everything else and abstraction is all I have now.

Everything else I did so far I met walls. I can not scale the wall but I understand the wall. Abstraction is the key.

I like abstraction. I will just focus on abstraction, not math but abstraction. It is something there but not.

Keep Busy

By doing stuff, I reached a point in my life that I realized I should just keep busy. Keep very, very busy.

Keeping busy is something I learned that I must do to keep happy and well. I do not have time to think negatively or think of things that are out of my control when I am kept very busy.

Computers keeps me busy. It is pretty fun ‘work’. It is the most fun ‘work’ I had without having to leave home.

Also I learned to always keep connected to family and friends.


I think I watched a Tom Bilyeu short clip interview on Instagram.

One guest said he was worried about how much time he had left in this world to accomplish things he wanted.

In the beginning of his journey, the guest was scared of the hard work studying to gain the skills necessary to do what he wanted. He was reluctant to learn because of the difficulty and now he is worried about his time left on this planet.

I believed I grew up a lot during the past year and a half.

During this pandemic, I went back to school to do my last passion: programming and I am almost done.

I got the chance to disconnect and retreat in my room to program away everyday.

I found things to do that I wanted to do. I found tons of things to do.

How do I want to leave my mark as an old man now? Who does it involve? What does it involve?

Sense of Self

I am trained and conditioned to do what I am doing. I had no choice but to do it. There is no real freewill.

It’s nothing special. You need to do something different to satisfy yourself.

I am old and have done enough to understand life now. I used to copy other people’s ideas and make them better, but after a while, you mature and create your own unique things. It’s a natural process of growing up to be unique and different. It is not better or worse. Nothing to compare at this point.

In some work areas, you can find things to do. You can try to find solutions to open problems. It only works if you have 150% passion and interest in the field.

You may need a mentor or help to develop your solution but both of you must be 150% interested in the goal and the journey.

Do you remember when you were a child and your kind-hearted teachers told you that it’s who you are inside that counts? Develop a good character inside?

My mom tries to teach me to just think and separate myself from my body. But the only field where I can do this is in computer programming. In computer programming, you don’t think about the physical world at all.


I was browsing LinkedIn and came upon this article:

This article talks about self-expression. I never really thought about this.

What do I want to say? What do I want to project?

Is it concrete? Does it change over time? Is it me? Is it only about me?

I will think about this more in a bit. I will write a sentence or two …

UPDATE on Self-Expression

To express myself is different from wanting to have fun I think. I truly enjoy doing what I want with my friends (Ben Cybulski and Dmitry Nefedov). There is fun, friendship and partnership in doing something we all like to do.


Everyone has issues.

Big or small, everyone is trying to achieve something or get something.

I was watching a Jeff Bezos interview talking about gifts and earned skill.

He said you should be doing something that you earned. Learn a new skill?

He said gifts are given to you and not earned. Do not use your gifts?

I always wanted to learn programming since I was in grade 7 at 12 years old.

Now I am 37 years old and almost finished “college-level” computer programming diploma.

I had to earn this skill and it was challenging and worthwhile.

I wonder if I can go on and actually do it though. LOL 🙂

Found my role model

Reality sucks. I will talk about this later …

Anyways during my final semester at Durham College, I met my role model who is a teacher here.

It took me 37 years to find this person who is similar to me.

Anyways, I learned just to do whatever you want and then you will find people just like you one day.

When I say reality sucks, I mean that the general world view is just bad for people who look like me. I concentrated on the things I like and finally found people I can work like.

No need to involve culture, race, politics and religion that much. It does matter, but I avoid it as much as I can. It is accounted for in my life but this is the best I can do in this negative circumstance.

Childhood dreams

I am old.

I have worked a lot. I don’t like being a pawn working for others …

Is money important? Not at my age …

The very Canadian Western thing to do is to do what you want in life and not for money and is not dependent on your partner’s wishes. 

Everyone is unique and should do what excites them without thinking about anyone else’s opinion. Not including family and not including “friends”. You should just do things for yourself. I learned this after my troubles.

I did things the past few years and nothing made me happy. I was pleasing others and not pleasing myself.

The reality is that you should be living out your “childhood dreams” however crazy they might be but within reality. Do not just grow up and get old to just work for the sake of working being just another spoke in the wheel.

I finally learned this.