Just living now …
When I think of other things to do, or attempt to do other things, it just doesn’t work out for me.
I learned I should be doing what I want and that it should be unique to me. I learned to find people who I can work with.
Trying to work out there with everyone is just a headache. I will just work with my good positive friends.
Trying to work with everyone is impossible to maintain and a waste of time as I know it is based on a hierarchy that may exclude me. Also as I get older I need to specialize and not try to be ‘all knowing’. I know enough about this ‘duality problem’ and my time with it is done. I will just coast …
I developed my brain to do abstraction, logic and problem solving. I love abstraction.
By keeping the brain active and doing things that are humanistic is all I need.
There is so much to learn. Everyone has a particular skill set that is unique and beneficial. All you have to do is do what you like.
I will just live this way.
I lost everything else and abstraction is all I have now.
Everything else I did so far I met walls. I can not scale the wall but I understand the wall. Abstraction is the key.
I like abstraction. I will just focus on abstraction, not math but abstraction. It is something there but not.
By doing stuff, I reached a point in my life that I realized I should just keep busy. Keep very, very busy.
Keeping busy is something I learned that I must do to keep happy and well. I do not have time to think negatively or think of things that are out of my control when I am kept very busy.
Computers keeps me busy. It is pretty fun ‘work’. It is the most fun ‘work’ I had without having to leave home.
Also I learned to always keep connected to family and friends.
I think I watched a Tom Bilyeu short clip interview on Instagram.
One guest said he was worried about how much time he had left in this world to accomplish things he wanted.
In the beginning of his journey, the guest was scared of the hard work studying to gain the skills necessary to do what he wanted. He was reluctant to learn because of the difficulty and now he is worried about his time left on this planet.
I believed I grew up a lot during the past year and a half.
During this pandemic, I went back to school to do my last passion: programming and I am almost done.
I got the chance to disconnect and retreat in my room to program away everyday.
I found things to do that I wanted to do. I found tons of things to do.
How do I want to leave my mark as an old man now? Who does it involve? What does it involve?
Sense of Self
I am trained and conditioned to do what I am doing. I had no choice but to do it. There is no real freewill.
It’s nothing special. You need to do something different to satisfy yourself.
I am old and have done enough to understand life now. I used to copy other people’s ideas and make them better, but after a while, you mature and create your own unique things. It’s a natural process of growing up to be unique and different. It is not better or worse. Nothing to compare at this point.
In some work areas, you can find things to do. You can try to find solutions to open problems. It only works if you have 150% passion and interest in the field.
You may need a mentor or help to develop your solution but both of you must be 150% interested in the goal and the journey.
Do you remember when you were a child and your kind-hearted teachers told you that it’s who you are inside that counts? Develop a good character inside?
My mom tries to teach me to just think and separate myself from my body. But the only field where I can do this is in computer programming. In computer programming, you don’t think about the physical world at all.
I was browsing LinkedIn and came upon this article: https://www.sony.com/en/SonyInfo/blog/2021/12/16/?s_tc=blog_link_en_21-1216
This article talks about self-expression. I never really thought about this.
What do I want to say? What do I want to project?
Is it concrete? Does it change over time? Is it me? Is it only about me?
I will think about this more in a bit. I will write a sentence or two …
UPDATE on Self-Expression
To express myself is different from wanting to have fun I think. I truly enjoy doing what I want with my friends (Ben Cybulski and Dmitry Nefedov). There is fun, friendship and partnership in doing something we all like to do.
Everyone has issues.
Big or small, everyone is trying to achieve something or get something.
I was watching a Jeff Bezos interview talking about gifts and earned skill.
He said you should be doing something that you earned. Learn a new skill?
He said gifts are given to you and not earned. Do not use your gifts?
I always wanted to learn programming since I was in grade 7 at 12 years old.
Now I am 37 years old and almost finished “college-level” computer programming diploma.
I had to earn this skill and it was challenging and worthwhile.
I wonder if I can go on and actually do it though. LOL 🙂
Found my role model
Reality sucks. I will talk about this later …
Anyways during my final semester at Durham College, I met my role model who is a teacher here.
It took me 37 years to find this person who is similar to me.
Anyways, I learned just to do whatever you want and then you will find people just like you one day.
When I say reality sucks, I mean that the general world view is just bad for people who look like me. I concentrated on the things I like and finally found people I can work like.
No need to involve culture, race, politics and religion that much. It does matter, but I avoid it as much as I can. It is accounted for in my life but this is the best I can do in this negative circumstance.
I am old.
I have worked a lot. I don’t like being a pawn working for others …
Is money important? Not at my age …
The very Canadian Western thing to do is to do what you want in life and not for money and is not dependent on your partner’s wishes.
Everyone is unique and should do what excites them without thinking about anyone else’s opinion. Not including family and not including “friends”. You should just do things for yourself. I learned this after my troubles.
I did things the past few years and nothing made me happy. I was pleasing others and not pleasing myself.
The reality is that you should be living out your “childhood dreams” however crazy they might be but within reality. Do not just grow up and get old to just work for the sake of working being just another spoke in the wheel.
I finally learned this.
End of the Run
I am talking to a UofT at Scarborough Economics student from Vietnam. He is asking about me.
He is asking great questions. He is looking at me through his eyes as a Vietnamese from competitive Ho Chi Minh city.
He is making me think about what I have done.
I have accomplished things that I wanted.
I only develop things that I want.
I am not motivated by money.
But I would like my own money to enjoy and grow and experience more things.
I think I have done enough and need a life of my own now. I will work for money now.
I applied to become a high school teacher. Hopefully that works out.
My Birth and What Doctors’ Say
According to doctors, what your mother thinks when you are a fetus in her belly determines ‘the baby’.
I really thought I had control over my life in work and hobbies but it is not true now that I think of it. I just like sitting in front of my computer all day.
My mother thought I would be a computer person. In the early 80’s dad bought a TV and she watched computer news. She watched Microsoft and Bill Gates. During the pregnancy things were pretty OK.
Now I just develop Microsoft Windows utilities all day and do some tech journalism, art and tutor/teach.
I am actually anti-social but I can talk a bit. My current dialogue topics for my age are lacking because I spent the last 14 years in front of the computer learning computers to grow.
I finally understand myself because of the environment I was made in which also is very Vietnamese, my mother’s way.
How to Think and Grow as a Colored Person
You have to think higher and higher to reach full abstraction … but also do what you like.
Are you really the person people think?
If you are not doing full abstraction as a colored person then you are living wrong.
Again, it took me many years to finish school and get the experiences I needed in work and life.
After finishing school I feel like I am “living”.
This type of “living” is surreal. I don’t think about the small things that used to bother me no more.
I realized my design philosophy.
Once I understood my design philosophy then I understood how I like to live.
I want to live a peaceful life with no stress.
A life where I create what I want.
I design software from very simplistic (0%) to all-you-can-eat (100% with almost unlimited combinations of options).
The simplicity to the unlimited gives me the peace and escape I need.
Nothing is Fixed
As you get older, you are supposed to live in a buffer, some kind of expanse so you feel fluid and free with no hardline definition that will hard stop you.
When I was working as a sales associate and computer technician there was stereotypes and judgements daily. Working in front of people, people seem to put you in a box. Like people need to categorize and maybe even setup a line of command …
Working alone, you get the opportunity to think more for yourself and create things that make you individually happy and fulfilled. You are allowed to travel and explore without someone helping you decide.
Order what you like and somewhat indulge.
I understand what is a “hobby” now.
The people I surround myself with made me.
It is funny how life goes now. For me I thought about just working generally like going back repairing computers or selling cell phones. That turned out exhausting me and creating problems for me.
I just surround myself with positive people and keep going …
We are young only briefly on this planet.
I realize at my age now that there is MORE depth and MORE different cultures/viewpoints at an older age. There are more experiences that I need and want to see as I get more older.
I think I have done what I wanted so far so now there is more as a older adult.
I realize now after doing what I want that life is a continuing growth journey. There are no stops.
There are no stops in life. You keep going. You keep getting older.
I realized I was always looking for more to life.
Getting old sucks generally. Your back hurts, food is not appealing no more, you get white hairs and wrinkles. The list goes on.
I kept at doing what I wanted and experiencing new things. I finally understand the feeling I want.
I want to live in a trance like state where there is an abundance of options and choices so I feel satisfied and up.
Is life just practical? Are we just working for the dollar? Do we just accept getting old and tired?
When I go look for more and do computer programming, I get the feeling of being in a trance like state.
I understand my peace now.
I act this way to fight getting old and to basically “live” in the environment I am in.
Finding Your Flow
Working outside is OK … but …
I just have to act like myself and find people to collaborate with.
I think I understand how I function and what I want. I just need cooperation.
Next step is to do more …
Doing What Matters
If you had all the free time in the world, what would you do?
I am not done with school yet … will I ever be?
I did some volunteering in a field that I want to do …
But if you aren’t finished school and you don’t want to volunteer any more what would you do?
Live in your head? Doing the things that matter to you?
I like to think I am a unique individual and not work to feel like a number.
I would like to do things that make me happy.
Working outside with the general public, can I truly do what I want?
In Your Head
In the end, do we just live in our heads?
It sure looks like it now.
Staying busy. Staying in the present. Staying in my head.
I am making a life to stay in my head.
It is safe to do this. Safest way as person like me.
Clearer Life Philosophy
Thinking independently: Transcendence through growth and development of software that is built however you want (that represents you) but is still structured.
I am doing some stuff.
I am trying to add.
I came to this conclusion after doing things I wanted.
You have to keep moving forward in education and in life. You can not settle on staying in one spot thinking that it is OK.David (Phong) Tan Nguyen
I did things that I wanted.
But now I am stagnating and waddling around.
I am not getting any younger.
I am at the age where there is no waiting around no more. There is no just doing what you want. You must move forward all the time and not settle.
Screw classism, racism and boxed in ideas of who you are supposed to be. We are old now. I am old now.
I can not stand around waiting to get old and wither away.
Keep moving. Anyone who says ‘No’ has put up walls.
@#$! them. What else is there in life?
You are supposed to not care and trust the process.
I accomplished my goals and now I need things to do.
It is now a process to work with my more positive friends to think positive and keep busy.
Now is the time to keep processing and processing forever???
To avoid the everyday life trap, you are supposed to think in “ideas”.
No longer are you thinking about classism, racism, and other biased ideologies.
Purpose of Life
I am lucky to live in Canada. When I was young I was curious to understand the meaning of life.
I thought life was supposed to be fun. All I heard everywhere was that life was all about suffering.
I still thought the meaning of life was supposed to be fun even after all these years.
Now I realize my I was right, I define life my way. Now my definition of life is this:
Life is to create something new and fun. And keep pushing to create new and fun things. That is all. Once you understand what is basic and normal, then you go for the fun.David (Phong) Tan Nguyen
I am lucky to live here in Canada to pursue this I think.