Updates (February 16, 2024)

Life: I hit the wall – I am old now and it feels awkward and I feel bad going outside in public looking like an old man now LOL. I feel extremely comfortable at home now. I no longer need to go outside really because out there are just young adults figuring themselves out in the world. I can just stay at home reading and doing what I like now which is fair and comfortable and right. Ageism and lookism is real. The good thing I realize from staying home for the last 4 years studying is that you actually grow a lot better in a way instead of dealing with the outside public that is just “super, super, superficial” in this modern day and that gets you no where really. Actually doing a skill you like will get you solid knowledge, in-depth knowledge, specialized knowledge, and unique knowledge that you may only hold yourself that will give you your space in this world to relax and beam. That is Western education at it’s finest. Being so specialized in your field is what developed countries are about I think.

Culture: Evolving as a Vietnamese – When I finished school back in 2010, I thought life after was just to work a “status job”, make a family, work for 40+ years and then die LOL. That sickened me to death thinking that all day. Keeping your status high while having a family and saving for retirement seemed like a early grave to me. I grew up Canadian/Western in a part of me and I knew to live a good life stress free life in Canada was to do something like Western people do. I also knew you must be so specialized and unique back in elementary school to live. Now I am 40 and I realize that maybe that is the only way to live from now on. I must live however I want here in Canada and do something unique that is my own and keep evolving it 100 miles to feel good, accomplished and proud and sane.

Culture: Culture of men – When men are young and in groups we act all the same. Even in adulthood and even in old age we act all the same. But that did not help me who is Vietnamese coming from war refugee status in my core. I wasn’t proud. I had to earn something to feel accomplished and unique. Vietnam was in constant wars all the time and wasn’t on the map of educated and rich countries. Some females in my life who are not whole were really racists and made being Vietnamese a bad thing. But to fix that was to change and develop a whole new personality and attitude of a liberal, forward, hardworking man on top of being Vietnamese. Having the ability to switch from being Vietnamese and being a thinker (creator) required years and years of learning without other cultures disrupting and determining what I should or should not do. Canada is a weird place to grow up for me. I had a lot of people from other cultures try to determine what I should do. Canada is about social engineering I guess. But the reality for me was to improve myself and evolve to a point where you have the power to create almost anything. Even create different mindsets and thinking pathways/patterns. That is power, freedom and release. The problem I see is people try to use their looks and race to justify everything and slot right in there in the gradient. Our parents say to us when we are young that everyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. I never understood this really. The real power is like engineering and programming. The power to create, create is what a person can arise to change from the everyday man. Everyone should obtain this to see how the mind and body can change. And from there see what you can achieve and teach afterwards.

Life: Middle-age and there is still baggage? – There are odd things about getting older. I thought when I got older people would mature and seek education and soul searching and enlightenment, but people are mostly still teenagers in half-dead bodies. You see the heart and soul and energy of people when they reveal themselves in their old body. Growing up you become children again but with more self-control and more complex knowledge that you can use to help or not … I am guilty too when I shouldn’t be. I should help always. I forget what am blessed with sometimes. My life ain’t bad. I need to do good always so I vent and blog and develop free software. I need to do better and better. But I have to learn and grow and evolve to make myself feel good about myself and find good work if I can. People from nationalities that are already developed may relax too much and stagnant and get upset to see people from developing countries have knowledge, grit, resilience and a different perspective. They might try to limit newcomers to maintain their status. What do you do? Everyone needs freedom? Everyone needs status? Everyone needs to grow? Everyone needs to evolve?

Culture: Labels – Once you get so specialized and unique, labels don’t affect you no more because life becomes so complex and with layers of depth and meaning. The standard public school system labels everyone coming through the door with 1-dimension basically. It is like you are stuck with it throughout your entire academic career. Only out of the system and out of the public eye you can avoid this. Can you really just wing it and contain this bad 1-dimensional treatment while achieving your goals and become smart, smart, smart, smart? I like working with Ben Cybulski and Dmitry Nefedov and my brother for the last 3-4 years to keep doing stuff home alone and doing online computer schooling because I like it and don’t need much help. Small specialized groups may develop something unique. Isn’t that a life goal?

Health: Achieving beaming independence in society – When I developed (created) software that reflected me and kept at it, it changed me when I venture out into society. Developing something so different and with good value and that was fun changed the way I hold myself out in public. Even if I act the way I normally do, something has changed and people notice from all this study and creation I have done. That is what happened to Westernized societies over the last 600 years. Western societies invented tools and games and fun things and that is reflected in Western people. You have to go so far out there to develop what makes bothers you and keep at it forever to change your rhythm to feel good and be healthy in the West I think. That is what I do to feel competent and have a say with my peers. I deal with a lot of people who have not seen this yet and have not done this yet. So I stay home all day trying to vent on this blog, socialize with my friends and work with my close friends to keep growing and evolving. When you have achieved unique accomplishments that no one has really created before, that makes you rise above your race and nationality sometimes and other people from other nationalities do notice and see that you are not just a stereotype really or not. Don’t let people override your feelings and beliefs because your actions that make you feel good and happy might turn out to create something unique and worthwhile. Was people created by God to create tools? I think the best way to live life in the West to just to be so unique and do your own thing for life without seeking professional job status working in society. If you seek out professional status, I think it may help or harm you. I guess it depends depending how big your mind is to contain things. And that is determined by first doing what you like all day. Doing what you like all day instead of seeking status and money will give you everything I think in the West. It will give you 1000% skills that are so unique. Just doing school and getting a job probably won’t satisfy the human need to explore and grow and evolve. You got to satisfy all your cravings without people telling you no or stopping you because it is not “fair”? The human need to do more and improve is paramount. I see that some nationalities don’t see this sometimes. I guess it all depends. Depends on age, experience, culture and individual human need.

Life: You got to understand what good Westerners think – Good Western people at the forefront let me know that I have to improve each and every day and contribute to society like a Western person to feel valued and important for good health. As a colored person it just sucks sometimes if you have nothing to contribute like a Western person. Some other people don’t want that at all from me and want to live cultured from their part of the world and their perspective. Again it depends on age, experience and the individual. That is why I stay home all day talking to my friends on the same frequency and zone out. The world outside is really young and old sometimes. You have to contribute to society your way to make it feasible and manageable. Is it about balance or just the Western way?

Work: 70:30 or 60:40? What ratio – You have to enjoy something that is bearable. Life is not just working a job you hate all day. You must have some activity that you devote to that takes up most of your time so you can become a doer and thinker. If you play, play all day then that is not the right way to live I think. I can program now. I think I like it 40% still. But I can do it now without much fuss and it is enjoyable when I focus. But can I do it full time for work? I hope one day maybe? It seems such a huge uphill battle. But I live in Canada so I might as well. It is a goal that has gotten me some accomplishments. Was being the programmer that liked it 40% of the time got me my goals? Very interesting life if you analyze it that way. Will programming more unique personal/group programs get me all the skills? Programming is so complex I think. Programming is a worthwhile Western goal for life. Isn’t that what you should expect life to be like in the West?

Life: Socializing – The other day when I went to visit my friend in Mississauga, I met a older Canadian guy taking the train. He figured me out. He showed his personality and skills of someone taking care of business, taking care of Canada, taking care of the World. He was an very educated man who understood the whole worldwide system. I just do personal projects and group software and I thought that was enough. I don’t really take into account the entire world and all the problems and how things are delegated. Life can be so complex, nice, warm and cool with all that knowledge, control and skill to account for everyone and everything. Sometimes I am so dumb and just think doing what I am doing all day just matters. Is specializing more and more into my interests enough? Enough to get that world knowledge and skill? Can you study generally about everything happening in the world and get the skills and knowledge and power and status you want? Is it just math? There are components of emotion, individuality and the Western way of dealing with things that make it good and the right way. You should not take everything all the time at face value.

Work: Working sales and then doing what I like – I became the person I wanted finally doing what I like which is computers instead of working sales. But it is perceived not good by all people. I mean I am not focusing on the humanistic side to life and that is bad and not pleasing.

Life: Can you make people see your perspective and change and follow you – I am not sure 100%. Sometimes it takes years and sometimes people just like thinking their way. Sometimes it takes 10 years at least. I am so old now and born in the West, how long does it take for someone to follow me and agree with me? Is how I think wrong? I think my thinking may not be complete either. Will my “future wife” just join and grow with me at my current stage? Am I enough at this point? Am I behind? Is taking the heavy educated route worthwhile? Does anyone really understand the mountain to climb of the programming lifestyle journey? Or should I just get a normal stable job? Do Plan B? What is the actual right way to live in the West? I really think it is the educated entrepreneurial route.

Life: Of course I think this way – I am 39 years old man now and a Vietnamese man born in Oshawa. I am half-dead now and trying out programming and it makes me think beyond stereotypes people generally put on me. I am so far behind in programming because I don’t have real paper university degrees in it. Just doing personal projects I don’t think is enough really LOL. Hmmmm … LOL. I think programming now is needed to grow once you are done general sciences.

Life: How far can you think? – Hmmm… I want to see how much more far out thinking I can do. I got to forget opposing people and cultures though.

Life: You have to just to talk to people who can understand your perspective – There is no point to work with people who don’t understand your perspective and can not think so liberal. If the person can not take the time to listen to you and respect your thoughts, then just stop and leave. You usually can feel it in their energy to proceed or leave.

Life: Deflated now – It was great doing all these things with Ben Cybulski, Dmitry Nefedov and William Nguyen. Now I am back to square one. All this venting and all these problems are solved with just keeping busy after. Ignore everything and everyone and just keep busy. The social aspects in life don’t really matter, it is just keeping busy. It is not other cultures and it is not people. It is just keeping busy.

Life: Old now and I can say whatever I want really – Being so old now, I am voicing my concerns. I am very liberal speaking I think. I am learning to socialize now and how to live. I need to put my thoughts and feelings on paper otherwise I can not grow and understand anything.

Work: Biology – I think it is great to understand and research in biology. But I think that would be too much for me. You would have to do computers too. Maybe have to do computers first then do biology. But I am all about making fun system tools really. Hmm… The great thing of biology is to fix things like genes: That is the great equalizer and would help society become fixed. What genes are we fixing? After fixing errors how about looks and intelligence?

Culture: Being Asian and being old – You have to accept that being Asian is different and something you can talk about but you really have to look hard as there are positive things you can achieve being Asian. In the case of me, I learned “Vietnamese Saigonese Productivity” from my friend Tan Vu. His perspective and mindset was that of a city person that is comparable to developed areas in the world. That perspective and mindset was what fixed my lazy thinking and lifestyle. It was really, really Vietnamese but really, really productive enough to get things done. Just focusing on his perspective helped. But being old has something positive too. Anyone who is not white looking is not there. I am not there. I have to accept I am not there going out in public. I accept that I am invisible. But being old now I now accept being invisible more because you look old and that is ugly and you have to accept that too. As an invisible old person now you can just accept doing your interests all day. That is life. You were young and now you are old. It is actually kind of great and comforting to use your mind all the time and not rely on what you look like especially when it is invisible. Sometimes being invisible hurts so finally being old and not relying on it for anything just helps because it used to hurt. So being mindful all day is pretty great because that is how you should live to avoid any problems young or old.

Life: Not being scared – After finally finishing school and blogging a lot and developing and creating things, I am no longer scared. The worst part of growing up in Canada for the last 20 years was not being able to do school because of naysayers in school. Good thing I powered through and did my schooling and passed and got some papers and some knowledge. All it took was just being separate and defining boundaries from the nationalities that opposed you and your growth. Good thing I live in Canada and there is Internet so I can work freely outside schools and outside companies if I want. I can do whatever I want by myself and with my friends. Everyone actually knows that is the right thing deep down inside to do what you want and be free. No one can be contained. Everyone needs freedom and continuous progressive positive thought not defined by anyone to have something new to share to the world. Who doesn’t want to be smart and share something and improve their status? I am not sure what some nationalities actually think stopping others and limiting others really. Some people focus on that too much instead of just doing what they want all day ignoring people. Anyways, I still have to separate from some people and groups because they can not understand the depth and perspective of others sometimes and want to be nosy and cause trouble. They don’t want to listen? They don’t respect the views of others? It will take time and a lot of work to see more and do more and open the mind up like a Western person. Aren’t you supposed to be open minded and see if it worthwhile to hear other people ideas and thoughts and possibly learn from? It is a free world. I just got to do my own thing and ignore some people/groups and stay with same frequency friends all day.

Culture: People that understand the broader picture – I only have a few Canadians out in Oshawa that truly understand and respect my hustle. 2 bosses at 2 separate work places (AMLCSL and Best Buy) and Ben Cybulski. These Canadian perspectives only matter right? The broader picture is that I am an invisible colored man trying to do more and see more. What is the picture you are painting?

Life: I think I am done venting for the most part – I was not allowed to vent or talk before because of social engineering based on race, culture and looks back in school. You have to vent and have to grow and have to evolve. You have to do more and see more after 35 years old. Life doesn’t stop. Odd world here in Canada. I have to grow too. Anyways some other nationalities growing up really made a big deal out of race and now everyone is old and ugly. Everyone hit the wall. There is nothing left but the mind. Are we going to use the mind now? How to think more and move past just our bodies? Do you need to move past the physical body?

Life: Independent and nationalistic – Some groups are very nationalistic. Some groups, individuals are very independent. How to live? How to think? How to think after 35 years old? Ignore other group’s group culture and be independent?

Work: You have to be those types of developers – Can you become one of those developers that have such cool useful many projects that they give away for free with other resources they give away? They actually don’t expect anything in return but it is nice to donate to them if you found their tools useful. Am I thinking on those terms? Can I actually act different or more of myself and do the same? Let me see.

Health: Masculinity – The more I lose weight, I more masculine I feel.

Work: Programming dilemma – The idiom “Enjoy now and suffer later, or suffer now and enjoy later.” Does that apply to programming? I think programming is suffer forever.